"Love does no harm to its neighbor. Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law. And do this, understanding the present time. The hour has come for you to wake-up from your slumber because our salvation is nearer now than when we first believed." --Romans 13: 8-14

"Be wise in the way you act towards outsiders; make the most of every opportunity." --Colossians 4:5

"Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good." --Romans 12:9

"...if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have no love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." --1 Corinthians 13: 1-8.5

"A new command I give you; Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." --John 13: 34-35

Love trumps EVERYTHING!

Sorry for not loving enough.......

I am only here, by myself. Where is everyone that is supposed to love you through anything, even when you screw up and push everyone away? I still love everyone. I don’t mean “like”, but I love those who I have left behind. I feel emotions so deeply it is hard for me to understand what their impact is on me or how to deal with them, completely.

I don’t leave people behind because I want to or because of my illness. I leave people behind because I don’t want them to suffer because they are close to me. I go so up and down and so in and out of death. Why would I ever put anyone through all of that?

I have distant relationships with people who feel sorry for me, but even those I want to severe because if I ever do wind-up giving into my disorder, I don’t want anyone crying over me like I cried over my grandmother. I still can’t think of her without crying or it bringing a tear to my eye.

I am sorry, though. I am sorry for pushing everyone away. It was my own darn fault. But I just can’t seem to live with my decision…

So, I have been in Colorado since July 1st and I am in this sort-of daze.  I worked out today and almost killed myself walking 2 miles :).  I planned and cooked for a family gathering on the 4th...people suprisingly liked it.  I got my first speeding ticket on the 4th as well...trying to assess my driving skills and whether or not I need to calm down my habits...I think I really need to take this in stride.

But there is a lot going on in me. 

I miss California, but I am so excited for all the familial things going on in my life and for the reunion in a week and a half.  I am also taking an on-line course.  There is just so much to do and nothing to do at all...It is funny how my life has transpired. :)

God has so much for all of us.  He is trying so hard to reach us, daily.  I think I need more quiet times to myself with God present.  He has blessed me with so much, including a job for next year and a loving family and beautiful friends (past and present :)).  Maybe it is time I rely on someone other than myself.  I think I only give God 10% of my life and I think I am controlling the other 85% with a 5% variable of other people.  I want to trust and be controlled 100% by God...that is something very exciting and nerve racking for me to think about...